oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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