Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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