When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
