Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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