my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
