Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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