I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
