Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
