the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
