saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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