i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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