she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
