Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
