That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
