her vagine was all disorganized.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
