You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
