Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
