cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
