There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
