This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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