thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
