can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
