What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
