then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
