Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
