Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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