I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
