I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize