i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
