All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
People in love make me want to vomit
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
