Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
