Moan for me like Helen Keller
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
