I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
