btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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