Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize