I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
