I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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