my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize