maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
