nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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