I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
