wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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