I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
