In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize