We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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