Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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