She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
