i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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