if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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