found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My liver just had a heart attack.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
