JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
