Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
