Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
