Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
