yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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