It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Drunk is not a location!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
