I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
