I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Rumble strips road head = magical
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize