She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
