Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
