His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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