stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
