I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
