Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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