The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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