Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
