Plan B is the new Plan A
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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