note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
