so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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