you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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