My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
