Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
