I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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