It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
