Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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