dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
