took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dear god my vagina.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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